


Protection

by Jelli_Mac



Category: NSYNC, Popslash
Genre: Angst, Hate Crimes, Hospitals, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:35:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28603050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jelli_Mac/pseuds/Jelli_Mac
Summary: A story told by two: JC fails to protect the thing that means the most to him but Justin does not
Relationships: JC Chasez/Justin Timberlake
Kudos: 7





	1. Cry

She told me to protect you

We were only boys then

But I did then and I still do now because I love you

It has become my first instinct in all things regarding you

It was this time but since we've finally said those words out loud to each other you protected me when I should have protected you

Your arm blocked the one that was trying to block you from harm 

Your hand cupped my face, pulling me to your chest completely into your shadow

  
  


It was hot

Whatever it was that man doused you with as he screamed slurs at us

I felt the splashes that bounced off of you through my shirt sleeves

It didn't hurt through the thick fabric of your flannel shirt I stole from you teasingly not only an hour before 

But you wore a simple t-shirt that hugged your body in the most delicious way

The thin fabric did nothing to protect you

You stood there frozen as security attached the man behind you

The pain was evident on your face when I looked up to see what happened

Even with your closed eyes, it was apparent that the man had been successful

The attach and the consequential injury was burrowing down under your defenses

You don't let yourself feel any feelings too deeply these days

You've been keeping everything on the surface because there is too much below

A wild storm of broken trust and agony lies below the ever-thinning veil of the false faces you put on for everyone else’s benefit

I could see the battle for control playing over your face

Cracks forming in your resolution

  
  


Your frozen muscles make you a statue as you fight against displaying any discomfort

Eyes are always upon us and our assailant pick a good audience

Cameras everywhere documenting our every move

You've always been keen to maintain a "good face” until you can be absolutely sure you can drop your mask

You didn't relax even after we got into the car

You didn't take my hand even though it was offered

You didn't respond to anyone as we raced to the hospital even though they inquired about your wellbeing

Voices moved around you trying to make sense of what just happened

But you were somewhere inside fighting to keep your thin walls in place as the pain burned through your body

The only indications of your discomfort were tiny whimper so soft that only I could hear them

You've always taken pain in stride

As if it made you stronger, not weaker

When you threw out your back even though at the time you were far too young for such an injury

Or when you broke your hand you kept on singing until you could let someone know

Even after the long, hard days in the courthouse and we thought it was all over you didn't cry although some of us did

Pain had been the mortar keeping your walls together 

Now it had all bled aways like a chalk painting in the rain

  
  


Your mask didn't fall until we walked through the emergency room doors

You've been crying since we arrived

When the intake nurse looked you in the eyes a single tear escaped

When you took my hand surrendering to the battle raging in your mind more followed

When you bit out your anguish through gritted teeth as they cut your shirt from your burned skin the flood broke

You begged them to make the pain stop

You begged them to let you lay down

Your body shook as the pain overwhelmed you

Your hand gripped and twisted the sheets leaving them a mangled mess beneath you

This is the first I'm seeing truly how broken you've become

You told me that you were broken

The one before me

You said she did that to you

She broke the high, thick walls you had around the part of your mind designated for pain

You cried that time too but not like this

I've never seen you cry like this

Big fat streams ran down your face

Over your chin and into your mouth open in a silent scream of agony 

Your breath is ragged in between your whimpers of misery as you succumb to your lost battle over your self-control

Pain was just something to be controlled to you before

Now it's your enemy

  
  


I feel helpless trying my best to stay out of everyone's way yet close enough to answer anything your too incoherent to respond to

_ Is he allergic to anything?  _ No

_ What’s his blood type?  _ AB negative

I feel stupid seeing how badly you let yourself get hurt

_ How did this happen?  _ A man attacked us

I feel like a failure knowing that I was supposed to protect you

_ Is anyone else hurt? Are you hurt?  _ No, only him

She asked me to protect you

I promised I would

And I failed

A nurse pulls me aside to finalize your information on the forms as they roll you away to an operating room

Your groans of pain begin to fade after your gurney passes through the doors

But the sound still echoes perfectly in my ears as if I am right next to you

It's not long before everyone is with me at the hospital

Everyone is worried

Everyone is there for each other

Arms and hands extend to comfort me

But I feel unreachable, caught in a cocoon of your tears and screams

  
  


It's dark outside now and they've let me see you

You're not awake but still, you are crying

Tears stream slowly out from under your closed eyelids

Your breath hitches softly in your chest

The pain is still winning even in your sleep

I want to take it way

I'd take all of your pain just to see you at peace

That's how this finally happened between me and you

You couldn't sleep and you knew you'd find peace snuggled up against me like you used to do when you were young

You'd toss and turn in your unconsciousness 

All it would take would be for me to pull you close and it would all fade away

That all I want to do now

For fear of hurting you, I press my lips to your scalp, wind my fingers through your familiar locks

Breathing you in deeply, my mind is taken back to this morning when everything was alright

Waking up in a hotel room that due to our frequency of stays over the years feel more like home than anywhere else with you tangled in the sheets next to me

My sleepy fingers traced up your chest and around your neck pulling you close to me

Your lips were soft and warm against mine as you kissed me good morning

Your eyes were warm and deep as your gaze communicated only the purest feelings of love

A striking contrast to how you've been since then

Pain has taken the place of where love and happiness should live

Pain is all there is

The raw truth of this finally reaches its breaking point inside of me

And now it's my turn to cry


	2. And now

These are my worst fears

  
  


That I'll lose you

That I'll fail to protect you

That I'll never get to tell you how I feel about you

  
  


I’m not afraid of the last one because I've finally done that

Almost by accident

The things that are in my dreams are too much for me to bear alone

You’ve let me share your bed like I used to do when I was young

The terrors come and you hold me close 

Sometimes they stop

Sometimes they wouldn’t stop

One night when they wouldn’t stop you kissed me so thoroughly that the words slipped out on their own

You smiled your surprise and brushed my apology away saying

One of us was bound to say it sooner or later

  
  


I've almost lost you before

It was more painful than I care to remember

The days I spent wandering in a fog of regret still stain my mind

I failed once

That’s never happening again

I protect you in my way

It may look like arrogance from the outside

But it is how I can best keep you safe in plain sight

Standing in front of you

Sitting just slightly more forward than you

Positioning you so that it looks as if I'm putting you in a corner

That I don’t think you are important

Truthfully its the opposite

Your life is more precious to me than mine

And I would gladly sacrifice myself for you

When you reached out to protect me I felt as safe as when we are asleep

Your limbs around me keeping unseen demons away

Your warmth like a cocoon of love

I’ve come to crave the shelter you provide

You think I can’t see it

What you

You’ve been doing it since Germany

You've been keeping me safe for so long 

That now it feels as if you don’t think about it before you react

This time it was an automatic response for me

This time I had to be your protector

This is the least I could do for you now

  
  


I could never have anticipated the depth of the pain I’d endured

No broken bone, no battered skin, no hole overused could have ever prepared me for the anguish

I have never feared being burned but now I understand why others do

My skin felt as if it was alive with fire

As if I was kissed by the sun where the hot liquid touch my skin 

The pain, although surface deep, buried down deeper into my body threatening to overwhelm my spirit

I froze lost in the depth of my despair

My usual defense

Shut everything down so that the pain can't leave any hidden scars

‘Don't give your abuser the satisfaction that they've hurt you’

My mantra

From the first time, my abusers thought to seek pleasure in my torment

Up until the very last 

Or rather it was my mantra until she was the last 

She went low and lower and lower still

Low enough that in the end, she was using things that I loved to hurt me

How do you protect yourself from the things that you've already let in?

How do you put up emotional walls against the things that make you happy?

You don't, you can’t and they cut you deep

So deep that you will have to change to survive

So deep that you will be scared, disfigured from your torture

I’ve changed so much to survive her

I’m surprised that anyone can still recognize me

  
  


You tried to reach out to me 

You tried to console me but I was lost in my war, weathering the anguish

My will may be weakened but it's still there

I made it to the hospital

Drop the veil just enough to show them I was in distress then snatched it back up

But I wasn't quick enough

Unfortunately, I let go just enough that the suffering took hold

I kept fighting it but you told me it was okay

You told me to let go

And since it was doing me more harm to hold on

I did what you said

I let go

Let the pain become insidious

Let the pain swarm behind my eyelids

Prickling and stinging as tears came

Let the pain consume me 

Spreading from my back to my arm, to my legs, to my mind

So that the agony was all that I was 

I let go because I knew you'd be there to pull me back when it was all done

  
  


Oh, your face

The way it changed as you saw the agony toke hold of me

I saw shock there

I saw concern

I saw love

I saw guilt but why?

Why should you feel guilty?

I did this for you

I will always do this for you

You are my protector and I am yours

An unspoken patch between the two of us

I will never shy away from any harm that was meant for you

I know you can take it but you don’t have to

I can survive your pain

This is my superpower

And I will always protect you

  
  


I lost you somewhere in the storm

But I knew you were still there

You will always be there

A memory of bright blue eyes reflecting love and passion at me

A memory of a sunny smile warming me from the inside

A memory of strong hands and arms holding me together when I feel as if I'd fall apart

Always there

Always in my mind

No matter how far we are apart

My guidepost back to sanity

  
  


I can hear you now 

Somewhere on the other side of the veil

Pulling me back from my torment

But something isn't right

You sound wrong

You sound sad calling my name 

And there is liquid again but this time it’s cold

Your tears, it’s your tears

I can hear you crying

I can feel your distress as it rocks your body

I want to hold you, comfort you

But I'm still lost inside the storm

Buffeted by the strong streams of pain

It's hard to breathe

It's hard to see my way out

But I'll get to you

I have to

Anything to stop you from crying


End file.
